What Everyone Else Around Here Learned In Kindergarten

A frequent question is how is the Italian coming? Well, it is and it isn’t. On the one hand, if you judge by the stack of flash cards I’ve made and memorized, it’s coming along quite well. On the other hand, if you judge by my ability to form complete sentences then it’s coming along quite poorly. On the other hand, if you judge by the eloquence and quality of the conversations I have in my mind it’s coming along quite well. On the other hand, wait, there is no other hand. So like I said, it is and it isn’t.

I judge myself pretty harshly so most days I’m frustrated with the pace that I’m learning Italian. I would describe it as glacial but even glaciers show signs of forward progress if you stare hard enough. Honestly, I know a lot of words, a fair number of verbs, some adjectives, a few prepositions and even an article or two. But for every word there is the masculine and feminine form plus singular and plural. Don’t get me started on conjugating prepositions or creating the possessive form. That was an entire week of classes.

A couple things that are hard to wrap the mind around...Italian, when spoken correctly, sounds just like when you're making fun of people speaking Italian. That's probably the wrong way to put it, but it's all I can come up with. All the vowels are pronounced. Most words end with a vowel and you say the sound so you end up sounding just like a cartoon version of yourself. And everyone really is called Marco or Paulo, or Gino and you say Ciao and Prego a lot. They're serious even if it doesn' t sound like it. And conversations sound like arguments so you think two people who just a moment ago were having a lovely conversation are now about to kick each other's ass. Also, 'i' is pronounced 'e' and 'e' is 'eh' and 'c' makes a 'ch' sound while 'ch' makes a 'k' sound. That causes some pronunciation confusion while reading aloud. Fortunately, the language is very phonetic so spelling is pretty straight-forward and there aren't many spelling exceptions. But like any language there are exceptions to rules: you work "in una banc" or "in una posta" but you live "a una casa". You just do.

Every day I leave class vowing to use some of my new knowledge on the unsuspecting locals. But seriously, when was the last time you had a conversation describing the contents of your bedroom or describing what you were wearing. The person is standing right in front of me, they know my pants are blue and my shirt is black and they really don’t care that I have a garbage can but no rug in my room! The few sentences I do get out are so badly mispronounced that my listener just has to shake their head in confusion and then switches to English in sympathy. On the rare occasions when I ask a question or respond to something correctly and see the look of surprise and pleasure bloom on the listener’s face, a feeling akin to my third kiss bubbles up. There’s nothing like saying “Anche a te” (And you too) to someone who has just wished you a good evening and seeing them smile proudly at the little trick you just performed.

It is a real shock to me how isolating not knowing the language actually is. When I first arrived I had to have a co-worker write out instructions for how to order prosciutto from the butcher because I had no idea how to tell them how much I wanted. In the beginning, if someone started speaking to me, I would stop them and tell them I didn’t speak Italian. That was one of the first phrases I made sure to learn. Now, I've stopped telling people I don't speak Italian because they don't care, they just keep talking. So I nod and smile and feel like a complete idiot. I go out with Raimundo and his friends and just sit there as conversations go on around me. My roommates speak Italian together even when I’m in the room and I swear they are talking about me. Not only am I ignorant but also paranoid. That part is hard, not being able to engage in the everyday occurrences and conversations.

It's actually good that I'm in a small town because not a lot of people outside my work speak English. If I was in a big city it would probably be easy to fall back on it but here it's sink or swim. So far, glug, glug, glug. It doesn't feel like it yet, but I think it will really help with learning the language. To be fair, I can get through minor interactions like ordering lunch in a restaurant or buying something at the bakery.

That said, I live in fear of people going off script. You see, for many interactions, I feel like I can prepare in advance for them by memorizing my lines. For example, before going to the deli counter I memorize the name of the meat I want and exactly how much. Simple, right? What if what you thought was the name of the meat was actually just the region all the meat in that section happens to come from? Now you’ve just ordered 200 grams of Ungherre but they’re all Ungherre. Which Ungherre do you want? Well, then it’s back to mumbling and waving the hands about until they figure you out. I always take care to stand where I can see the read-out of the cash register because no matter how much I practice my numbers, I still can’t catch them when spoken at normal speed. No problem, but what happens when you hand over your fifty euros and the girl gets distracted and forgets to give you your change? That simple transaction turns into a silly pantomime wherein you helplessly try to act out that you need your change because you don’t have a clue about how to say, “I still need my change” or any variation of that sentence and the only charades you know how to play are perverted charades learned at a drunken party on Thanksgiving two year ago and frankly that’s not going to help all that much right now. So once again, mumbling and waving the arms.

I realize none of this is spells the end of the world, but it is frustrating and it does wear me down from time to time. Some days I come home and want to scream if I have to hear another word of Italian. And then one day you’re walking to lunch and laughing at something someone said and you realize they said it in Italian and you understood! Now that’s cool. Give me a couple more months at this and we’ll see.

I wonder what Eric is doing right now.